A friend of mine has never seen Star Wars. As a cultural experiment we determined that after years of him growing up alongside endless references, spoofs and jokes at the expense of the franchise he would have absorbed enough information to make an educated guess as to what the plot of the first three (episodes IV – VI) were.
Here is his synopsis.
…. the galaxy in question, or at least a large part of the galaxy was under the control of a military-esque dictatorship who have established an empire. The Empire have a large fleet of spaceships that they use to assert their authority and a large spherical command post called the Death Star.
Many people in the galaxy are not best pleased at having to live under the yoke of the empire and a Rebel Alliance has been set up to offer resistance. In a corner of the galaxy, on a planet that may or may not be called Alderon, lives a lad called Luke Skywalker, he lives with his in laws most likely his aunt and uncle since his parents were killed. Luke, thinks life on the planet is pretty boring and he longs to join the rebellion against the empire for a bit of adventure.
The empire (for no other reason that they are pretty evil) have decided to invade a planet that may or not be called Alderon. In the process of this invasion they abduct Princess Laya, who is part of the royal family of the planet and take her to the Death Star.
Laya has two robots who act as her servants; a mischievous small beepy robot called R2D2 and a taller much camper, cowardly robot named C3PO. The two robots are the original odd couple of the galaxy and when they’re on the scene hilarious consequences often ensue (lol).
Just before she is captured by some Storm troopers (the empire’s uber-white soldiers) Princess Laya records a video message on R2D2 to request help from a guy called Obi One Konobi. R2D2 and C3PO are jettisoned off in to space like a message in a bottle, in the hope that they will be able to pass on the message to Obi One Konobi.
At this point, it is worth highlighting the fact that there is a kind of quasi-religious/ martial arts group called the Jedi knocking about who poses a form a telekinetic power called the ‘force’ which allows them to move things with their minds, manipulate people and jump about a lot. This telekinetic ability, or force as it is known can be used for good or evil depending on the individual Jedi’s want. Darth Vadar (also known as Lord Vadar) , who is quite high up within the Evil Empire is one Jedi who chooses to use the force for evil, known as the ‘dark side’. Obi One Konobi on the other hand uses his force for good etc. Luke Skywalker also possesses the force, although he is unaware of this fact.
Luke somehow finds C3PO and R2D2 hanging about on his planet, and helps them locate Obi One Konobi who may live on the same planet. Obi sees the princess Laya message and resolves to rescue her from the Death Star. Luke sees this as his chance for the adventure he’s been after and so tags along with Obi One Konobi and the robots. Obi One Konobi notices Luke’s force and brings it up in conversation every chance he gets, much like a Jehovah’s Witness.
Obi One Konobi, Luke and the robots set off to rescue Laya. Public transport is at a minimum throughout the galaxy and so they decide to charter a spaceship to take them to the Death Star.
The gang somehow arrive at a jazz club full of scally aliens which they feel is the best place to find a cheap deal on a pilot/ spaceship combo. After interacting with a few local characters, the intrepid band settle upon a dude called Hans Solo to act as their driver. Hans, is a bit of a slacker who hangs around with a large hairy alien called Chubaka and spends his days doing odds jobs for people with his spaceship; the space age equivalent of a ‘white van man’.
The gang, along with their new companions Hans and Chubbaka leave the jazz club and zoom off in search of the Death Star. Luke and Obi One Konobi begin to doubt the reliability Han’s spaceship when they see it is a bit cumbersome and rubbish. Hans however, manages to dispel their doubts when he manages to out manoeuvre some of the evil empire’s jet fighters whilst on the way to the Death Star. Whilst on the journey, Obi One takes the opportunity to chat about the force a bit more and teach Luke some wicked cool Jedi moves.
At this point the group hit a slight snag, they had originally planned to sneak into the Death Star unnoticed but unfortunately they get stuck in its tractor beam and are pulled in to landing bay where a load of storm troopers are waiting to take them prisoner. This actually turns out to be bit of a bonus as they manage to capture some storm troopers and nick their uniforms. Luke and Hans disguise themselves as storm troopers and the rest of the crew pretend to be captives. Now that they are in the Death Star and have disguises, the crew go off to find Laya.
The gang head down towards the custody cells to rescue Laya but somehow their plan is rumbled and a small shoot out begins with some storm troopers. Obi One Konobi nips off to find Darth Vadar and has a bit of a sword fight with him in his office. Despite the existence of laser guns, the weapon of choice for hand to hand combat is the light sabre which comes in fluorescent pink or blue. Obi One Konobi is sort of killed/ disappeared by Vadar.
Luke finds Laya in a cell and rescues her whilst the rest of the group hold back the empire’s henchmen. Now that they have Laya, they attempt to escape from the ship by jumping down a shoot which unfortunately leads to the Death Stars on board rubbish tip. This escape attempt is poorly timed as it coincides with the evil empire’s recycling day and the walls of the rubbish tip begin to close in on them. The heroes successfully avoid death and escape the rubbish bin, managing to get back to the landing bay. They all manage to escape the death star under heavy laser fire.
After escaping from the Death Star, the crew (except for the newly dead/ invisible Obi One Konobi) head towards a planet, which again may or may not be called Alderon, in order to hook up with some of the rebels from the rebel alliance. They land in a cave which acts as a rebel base. At this point the casual viewer may begin to wonder how on earth the rebels are powering all their electrical equipment considering all there is on the planet is some caves and some forests, maybe they all work off bottled gas like caravans.
The cave houses a shed load of rebel alliancers who all have matching jumpsuits and planes. The crew team up with this new posse and hatch a plan to fly to the death star and wreck it. The intention is to send a clear message to the dark side that they are sick of their administration of the universe. Luckily the rebels have discovered that despite being quite imposing, the death star actually has a few design flaws
Hans, having completed the original job he was hired for, decides to pack up his space craft and piss off. This doesn’t please Luke who was expecting Hans to help out on this new wrecking mission free of charge. Luke guilt trips Hans a bit before he leaves .
Luke and the rest of the rebels set off to tackle the death star issue in their fighter plane things and a frenetic battle sequence ensues during which Luke gets chased by some Empire fighter pilots and nearly blown up (crumbs). At the final moment, before the baddies push their blowing up buttons, Hans and his furry pal turn up in their space ship and rescue Luke by blowing up the baddies. Luke is well relieved and everyone is happy as they realise the Hans is more than just a cold, cynical white van man.
After Hans saves Luke, he flies off towards the death star and after some twists and turns locates the hole. Luke fires some kind of bomb in to the hole and zips off before the Death Star explodes. Unfortunately for the rebels Darth Vadar nipped off in a small space ship before the explosion (doh!).
The film ends with a big explosion and some orchestral music.
And that’s the end of that! (unless you count the next thirty five years of re mastered editions, spoofs, sequels, prequels and merchandising).